it is therefore decided that we are moving
11:11 AM |
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yes, this blog is moving.
recently it's been obvious that there are now very limited things that i can post up. more people than i'd like read this, which is not, honestly, in my best interest.
a blog is a curious thing, you see.
it is like a diary, only you WANT it read. it turns into less of a diary, more of a public announcement.
as so many of us forget, public means that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. ALIVE. can read it if they want to.
not just the people involved, EVERYONE.
this guy knows what you ate for dinner, what you are wearing, who you have been with, where you hang out, and what you are feeling.
he reads your blog.
now it's all fine and dandy if it's your friends (see above) reading it. because even when you're smeared in chocolate or shitting aborted fetuses, they've got your chocolatey, fetus-swollen back.
reference genitals all you like, curse and rant all you like, your friends are there for you.
example one:
bob: hello mike!
mike: hello bob!
bob: penis!
mike: that's right, bob.
example two:
bob: my dog left me and my girlfriend ate all my shoes. nobody loves me.
mike: cheer up, bob, we still love you. say, can i use your toilet? i need to shit a cellophane-wrapped fetus.
bob: sure thing, mike. hey, thanks for listening. i feel so much better.
mike: any time.
bob: penis!
mike: that too, bob.
so bob, our hero, goes home and writes a post like:
2day i saw M and i told him abt Girl and Dog.
i miss Girl, she was the best dog i ever had. i am nothing without her.
why, if an enemy, perhaps wishing to emotionally wound me or cause me to be deeply depressed, should happen to confront me on this matter, this would be it.
btw, M shat a lot of fetuses into my downstairs loo, does anyone know of a good cleaning agent? maybe Duck Mold lolZz.
penis!
he also knows when you pee and whether you shake your dingle after you do it.
because you blogged about it yesterday.
it is not just christopher walken watching you pee.
people who KNOW you read your blog.
the principal can read your blog.
your mom can read your blog.
the guy whom you think is so cute can read your blog.
we cannot avoid embarrassment, and more. we forget that there are other people who are not so nice. they know too little of us, they judge us by our exteriors.
some are enemies, who hate our guts and Assorted Organs (TM). they'd kill for a chance to see us fall.
when we write sad posts, embarrassing posts, raw honest posts, they pounce on it.
they don't want us dead.
that would be too easy.
they want us writhing on in the mud, utterly defeated, their boot on our head, with needles pushed under our fingernails, broken and raped and crying in the gutter.
they want us to scream.
and with this knowledge of what hurts us, they are stronger.
example:
joseph gerald the IIIrd, who hates bob, reading his blog: at last! a chance to emotionally wound bob and cause him to be deeply depressed!
joseph confronts bob.
joseph gerald the IIIrd: bob, i know your secret.
bob: what?
joseph gerald the IIIrd: YOU NEED A CLEANING AGENT.
bob falls to his knees.
bob: h-how did you know?
joseph gerald the IIIrd: by the power of virility vested in me, i command every bottle of cleaning agent in the world to disappear!
bob: NOOOOO000000ooooooo!
bob tragically kills himself.
and some are people in authority. people in authority are very dangerous, especially when they are equipped with the sense of humour of a trodden-on jelly baby.
they do not think that references to genitals are funny.
and they have power over our lives.
what has the world come to?
example:
bob's boss, reading his blog: bob? referencing penises? and i thought he was a decent, clean, upright, penis-free man.
bob's mom, reading his blog: bob, if you're going to be friends with a man who excretes dead babies, you can't come home to dinner any more.
the president of the united states: this so-called "Girl", "fetuses", and "Duck Mold", are clearly metaphors for a hidden power struggle concerning a drug heist in russia. this "penis" must mean the coast of california. SWAT team, spread out and arrest this man!
bob is thus fired, banned from eating his mother's food, and arrested. however, being tragically dead, this does not affect him much.
but everyone thinks he's a jerk.
the point is, a blog is a dangerous thing.
the irony is, we know it.
deep down we secretly want people to know of our distress, because being emo is, y'know, cool. it makes you look deep.
and if you can phrase it in a cool way, smart.
but with all the bad things that could happen to us, we'll forgo being cool and deep and smart (and dead) for being not so very dead.
so that's why we're relocating.
all the posts are not gone, they are swimming in cyberspace somewhere.
yes, the right honorable mr pigworm, the mika comic, the horrible squishy mushy rantings about ex dudefriend are all still there. if you want them, ask.
don't say your goodbyes, just come and ask us when and where we're going, and we'll tell you!
probably we'll have a nice passworded blog with lots of sparkles and cupcakes. we'd like that.
and now
we leave you.
FLOURISH!
BLOG OFFICIALLY ABANDONED.
Labels: goodbyes